THE DARK KNIGHT RISES SCRIPT REIMAGINED

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES SCRIPT (as imagined by rukiahayashi)

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT. AIRPLANE

 

DC COMICS’ crappy new logo is seen before showing a cracked bat sign that foreshadows the tragic events about to take place until HOODED TOM HARDY and nuclear scientist ALON ABOUTBOUL are taken onboard AGENT AIDAN GILLEN’S PLANE.

 

AIDAN GILLEN:

Since we are the CIA, the premiere intelligence organisation in the entire world, we are letting all of you keep your hoods on for no real reason other than for the dramatic reveal! No need to confirm your identities just yet, screw proper procedure!

 

(proceeds to threaten random henchman while asking about TOM HARDY, which any reasonably intelligent douche can guess is in the plane and is one of the hooded men)

 

TOM HARDY:

(remastered version)

Time to say somethinsf in my trademark voice to draw attention to myselsf!

 

AIDAN GILLEN:

(removes hood such that full dramatic effect is achieved)

Holy crap it’s TOM HARDY! Big unexpected surprise right here! Now instead of killing him right now with god forbid, a gun, I’m going to go all tough guy on him while he executes his perfectly believable plan that obeys the laws of physics to a T!

 

(TOM’s mercenaries appear and start killing the CIA agents, who all seem to have temporarily forgot how guns work.)

 

ALON ABOUTBOUL:

The laws of physics aside, you honestly believe that no one would ever suspect anything from this unnecessarily elaborate plan that only exists to show the wings of planes are really fragile?

 

TOM HARDY:

Of coursrh! Even with say, proper forensic evidence and aeronautical analysis, this incident is obviously a freak accident!

 

TOM absconds with ALON and dangles from a rope that is attached to a plane.

 

CUT TO GOTHAM CITY, BALE MANOR

 

EVERYONE is listening to a speech at a recluse’s manor.

 

DIALOGUE about the DENT ACT, informing everyone just how screwed they are if they didn’t watch the first two movies.

 

GARY OLDMAN:

I had a speech prepared to talk about Aaron Eckhart, but then I realized it would be the film's third podium speech in less than nine minutes.

 

(tucking speech into pocket)

 

I refuse to read this speech right now. Christopher Nolan is just going to have to figure out some other way of delivering eight years of exposition.

MICHAEL CAINE:

ANNE HATHAWAY, I could bring BALE his meal myself, but truth is I’m too damn lazy and since you seem completely trustworthy, here’s the key to a room upstairs in a house that is most certainly not home to the notorious BATMAN.

 

ANNE steals pearls from an uncrackable safe.

 

CHRISTIAN BALE:

Damn, those were my mother’s! Knew I should’ve hidden those somewhere else other than the most obvious place anyone would look for valuables!

 

ANNE HATHAWAY:

Why are you holding a cane? Is it because of that fall you took the last movie tackling Aaron Eckhart? Okay then, so it’s established that you are a cripple who can’t walk without the help of a cane. Fair enough, I’ll just leave you squirming pathetically on the ground.

 

(trips BALE, who squirms pathetically on the ground.)

 

Time for a backflip without checking where I’m going to land! Luck is always on my side, as it will be for about 3 more times throughout the movie!

CUT TO SEWERS

 

GARY OLDMAN is captured by thugs and taken to TOM HARDY.

 

GARY OLDMAN: Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?

 

TOM HARDY: That is irrelevant. Maybe it’s to show off my imposing frame! Search him for any important stuff he could be carrying!

 

HENCHMAN: (after finding speech that GARY OLDMAN carries everyway like it’s his ID or something.) Sir, why don’t we just shoot him and get it over with? Leaving him like this presents him with a chance to escape via that conveniently placed sewer flow!

 

TOM HARDY: I donsh know. He just can’t die because he’s GARY OLDMAN. In fact, no main character will die in this epic conclusion despite all the hype in this movie alluding to that taking place!

 

GARY OLDMAN escapes via sewer flow, bullets aimed at him hit everything except him.

 

HENCHMAN: We can’t possibly find him! The water flow could go anywhere!

 

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT finds GARY OLDMAN in the very next shot.

 

INT BALE MANOR

 

CHRISTIAN BALE(after hearing obscure Killer Croc reference): How on earth do you know I’m BATMAN?

 

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT: All right dude, like most of this movie, this crucial plot point was thought out of with extreme care. I looked in your eyes a long time ago and could tell you were BATMAN. Not because you’re rich and came back conveniently when BATMAN first appeared.

 

CHRISTIAN BALE: Wow, with that concrete proof I’m not even going to deny it. Anyway, I’m going to foreshadow what most fanboys probably guessed about your character months ago.

(looks directly at JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT)

BATMAN can be anyone. Anyone.

 

 

CUT TO CHRISTIAN BALE IN BATCAVE.

 

CHRISTIAN BALE: This leg-brace gives me a kick that pulverises bricks! Awesome! It’s also clearly compact enough to fit inside the Batsuit! So it’s established that I need this to walk properly, just so the audience is clear, wouldn’t want any potential plotholes to surface! Also, it would be a crying shame if this device was never used at all and was shown for absolutely no good reason!

 

Shot of MICHAEL CAINE gazing uneasily at the damaged brick wall, fearing CHRISTIAN BALE’s superhuman power.

 

INT BALE INDUSTRIES

 

MORGAN FREEMAN: Let me show you some stuff anyway, for old times’ sake. Since MICHAEL CAINE doesn’t want you to be BATMAN, I will defy him to the very end since…ah screw it here we are. It’s the Bat, your new toy! Speaking of which, you sure you don’t want a Tumbler? Seems weird to only favour the Batpod which logically speaking, is somewhat inferior to an armoured military vehicle. It’s also equally weird that we have so many Tumblers lying around for no good reason at all!

 

CHRISTIAN BALE: It comes in black, good enough for me.

 

INT WALL STREET

 

 

TOM HARDY: Transfher all of CHRISTIAN BALE’s money to this thingy. It will take 8 minutes, which I mention only to create a huge continuity problem when we transhituon from day to night in that phan of thime. Also, these transfers will arouse no suspicions whatsoever. CHRISTIAN BALE making terrible stock choices while I assault Wall Street. What are the odds?

 

TOM HARDY and goons escape on motorcycles and it immediately becomes dark in the next scene. Because BATMAN works in darkness, and it simply must happen. We were too lazy to shoot them escaping from Wall Street in the late evening, budget cuts people!

 

(lights start to fade out in an ominous manner.)

 

COP #1: What on earth?

COP #2: NANANANANA BATMAN is back! Finally it’s been 45 minutes, I nearly forgot it was a BATMAN movie!(insert reference to The Dark Knight Returns.)

 

BATMAN tackles HENCHMAN and smothers him in cape. He then uses an EMP gun to damage another henchman’s bike because we all know how BATMAN feels about real, efficient and uncomplicated guns.

 

BATMAN passes BANE on bike, not even bothering to assault or stop him in any way. BATMAN saves bank guy using complicated manuever.

 

MATTHEW MODINE: Let’s all go after BATMAN. We won’t spare even one policeman out of the one million we have because damnit, TOM HARDY on an ordinary, unarmed bike is just too hard to catch.

 

Entire force chases after BATMAN, who enters an alley which conveniently holds the BAT which everyone in GOTHAM failed to notice. GCPD doesn’t want to spare helicopters, BATMAN escapes.

 

EXT ROOFTOP

 

ANNE HATHAWAY confronted by group of thugs.

 

ANNE HATHAWAY: Why don’t I have any weapons damnit! Any criminal i.e. ME would have a weapon, probably a gun!

 

BATMAN(appears out of nowhere): AIKGFOAFBGBHOCKEYPADS

 

They fight until TOM HARDY arrives. Once again, all bullets are fired at them with the precise skill of Stormtroopers from Star Wars.

 

BATMAN: Quick, let’s get out of here!

ANNE HATHAWAY: My mother warned me about getting into cars with strange men.

 

BATMAN: This isn’t a car, dumbass.

 

ANNE HATHAWAY: Wait, this vehicle has firepower right? Blow TOM HARDY away now! It’s a golden opportunity!

 

BATMAN: Nah, not feeling it. BATMAN doesn’t kill. Let’s just run away even though we have air superiority and better firepower, as long as they don’t bring out a bazooka or anything like that. And let’s face it, they won’t.

 

CUT TO HIGHER ROOFTOP

 

BATMAN: You stole CHRISTIAN BALE’s fingerprints. I’m extremely concerned, but nothing suspicious there.

 

ANNE HATHAWAY: The guy who reappeared at the same time you did, and went into hiding the same time you did? Yeah, tell me about it, nothing suspicious there.

 

CHRISTIAN BALE at BALE MANOR

 

CHRISTIAN BALE: Damn, MICHAEL CAINE is gone and so is my money. Clearly I need to continue being BATMAN. Also, it may be too early to say this but my unnecessary interference at the stock exchange might have allowed TOM HARDY to escape.

 

MARION COTILLARD: Time for some unforced and believable romance! You lived in recluse for 8 years thinking about Maggie Holmes, but within 2 minutes that will all change!

 

BATMAN meets ANNE HATHAWAY in sewers.

 

BATMAN: Alright, straight to the point, take me to TOM HARDY, even though his henchmen are probably everywhere and he has home ground advantage. Then again, you’re on my side, so we can take him!

 

ANNE HATHAWAY: Right…

 

They fight their way through thugs with guns. Suddenly, a trapdoor closes and BATMAN is trapped, facing TOM HARDY!

 

ANNE HATHAWAY: Oh my gosh, CHRISTIAN BALE is BATMAN? Did not see that one coming.

 

BATMAN: This will be a clash between two graduates of the world’s most lethal ninja organisation. This battle will involve tactical skills and precision fighting techniques. (grunts and flails about)

TOM HARDY is owning BATMAN. BATMAN throws tiny flashbangs at TOM HARDY, which explode harmlessly into tiny puffs of smoke around TOM HARDY.

 

TOM HARDY: What on earth dude? Of all the things you could use you choose that. Speaking of which, you’re supposed to use gadgets and shit, you’re BATMAN! Taking me head-on is clearly suicide! Also, I too am on some kind of steroids that allow me to feel no pain, cause I just took like 5 punches to the face in a row and didn’t even retaliate!

 

BATMAN:IMNOTLISTENINGBAIFHAOFQJFHOCKEYPADS

 

TOM HARDY beats the crap out of BATMAN and does the epic back-break from Knightfall. Cue gasps of shock.

 

HOSPITAL

 

GARY OLDMAN: Send every cop into the sewers! It is this kind of analytical thinking that made me Commissioner!

 

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT: Good idea, sir.

 

FUSION REACTOR

 

ALON ABOUTBOUL: Sure, HARDY let me turn this source of clean energy into a nuclear bomb! Three minutes?

 

TOM HARDY destroys GOTHAM’s bridges and traps the entire police force underground.

 

TOM HARDY: Citizens of GOTHAM, claim your city, rise up against the rich..and that kind of stuff!

 

All of GOTHAM’S CITIZENS lose their minds instantly and go ape-shit-crazy on each other. In HOSPITAL, GARY OLDMAN single-handedly takes down two thugs armed with assault weapons with a pistol before rendezvous with JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT.

 

TOM HARDY reads a speech written by GARY OLDMAN, everyone believes him. Releases prisoners from BLACKGATE.

 

INT PRISON A.K.A FIGURATIVE LAZARUS PIT

 

CHRISTIAN BALE:  Where am I? Why am I still alive? Ah screw it, time to recover and become BATMAN again, like the first movie and first half of this movie. Gosh, this film should’ve been called The-Dark-Knight-barely-appears-onscreen.

 

Climbs out of pit once he stops wearing a rope. Because if he didn’t make the climb, no movie.

GARY OLDMAN: (walking on ice with PEOPLE after being sentenced by CILLIAN MURPHY. Sees BATMAN calmly walking on ice without fear, because he’s BATMAN.) Phew, thank the heavens, BATMAN’s back! Wait what? (Lights up conveniently placed flare, which went unnoticed by patrolling thugs and anyone else.) Oh-kay, it’s a giant flaming bat. Now TOM HARDY knows you are back. Stealth at it’s finest.

 

BATMAN: Come on, it took me three hours and was of the utmost importance. Plus, somehow no one saw me up there and I crossed the ice without any fear because I’m BATMAN. ANNE, I’m going to trust you with my Batpod because you’re the lead female character and you’re supposed to be somewhat of a hero like in the comics.

GARY, you’re the oldest, it makes sense for you to take on the most physically challenging task. JOSEPH, free all the cops and let them stand in a uniform row like lambs to the slaughter. Don’t worry, I’ll take out exactly one weapon on one Tumbler. Just one. You’re welcome.

 

The BAT takes out one tumbler’s cannon.

 

COPS: Alright, thanks BATMAN, that gave us the motivation to fight a losing battle!

 

THUGS: Oh crap shit just got real. Everybody, hand-to-hand combat only!

 

TOM HARDY: So, you came back to die with your city.

 

BATMAN: No, I came back to stop you! (Immediately engages TOM HARDY)

 

TOM HARDY: Seriously that was our entire conversation? No wonder people prefer the Jok…

 

BATMAN: Don’t say his name! Yeah. Watch out, I’ve learnt much from our previous encounter. (Attempts the same half-assed head-on combat as last time.)

I won’t even use those knockout agents that seemed really effective!

 

People around them ignore their epic clash, no one thinks to use a gun to shoot either of them.

 

BATMAN: Have a taste of my almighty gauntlets that saved me in the last two movies! (damages TOM HARDY’s mask)

 

TOM HARDY: Oh crap you found my one, subtle weakness!

 

BATMAN: WHERESTHETRIGGERRRR!WHEREISITWHEREISIT! (beats the crap out of HARDY)

 

Out of nowhere, MARION COTILLARD stabs BATMAN.

 

BATMAN: Did not see that one coming. Trusting the wrong person has again led to my downfall!

 

MARION COTILLARD: Surprise! I’m Liam Neeson’s daughter, the big shocking moment of this film! I’m now going to personally drive the truck carrying the bomb to destroy GOTHAM! (exits)

 

TOM HARDY: Alright buddy, I’m not going to snap your neck, but go against my own character by using a shotgun of all things.

 

ANNE HATHAWAY shows up and blows TOM HARDY into meat, because that is what will realistically happen.

 

MARION takes the truck for a spin while GARY stumbles like an incompetent fool trying to disarm it. ANNE HATHAWAY destroys two Tumblers with ease, and never do they form a Batpod for some reason, because that’s BATMAN’s thing. The truck sustains an ungodly amount of damage before crashing.

 

MARION COTILLARD: This doesn’t count as BATMAN killing someone, certainly not my driver!

 

GARY OLDMAN: I’m perfectly fine guys, appreciate you guys firing directly at me.

 

BATMAN: I can fly it out of the city in what must be the most original solution to a crisis in a movie ever!

 

BATMAN flies away, clearly sacrificing himself in a noble fashion and you know he dies because he is still in the cockpit moments before the bomb blows.

 

JOSEPH attempts to collect his items willed to him by BALE, since the two are such great friends publicly and all.

 

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT: John, Blake.

 

RECEPTIONIST: Nothing.

 

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT: Use my legal name.

 

(What could it be? Surely something like Tim Drake, Dick Grayson, Terry Mcginnis, Jason Todd?)

 

RECEPTIONIST: I like that name. Robin.

 

AUDIENCE is mindblown.

 

MICHAEL CAINE in café at Florence. Looks across, sees CHRISTIAN BALE and nods. CHRISTIAN BALE comes over in a rage.

 

CHRISTIAN BALE: Not even a “sorry”? You ran out on me in my time of need!

 

MICHAEL CAINE: My bad…Well even though I cried a river at your funeral I somehow lack all emotional attachment now.

 

CUT TO BATCAVE

PLATFORM RISES, REVEALING A COSTUME CASE, WHICH OPENS TO SHOW JOSEPH…

The Original Robin Uniform, with a note “H&K’s, BALE”

 

END