Arrow just can’t seem to hit its mark.

Arrow, you have failed your viewership.

I just finished watching the latest episode of Arrow when a thought occurred to me. A thought that was on my mind pretty much every episode since Season 3. A thought that initially disappeared at the beginning of Season 4, but just kept getting progressively stronger with each episode.

This show makes no sense.

It’s messy, unfocused, and a pale reflection of the glorious juggernaut of thrills and spills in Season 2. And the sad part is, we all try to give it a chance out of the vain hope that someday, it will return and perhaps even surpass those great heights to stand out as quality television.

After tonight, any hope I had that my dreams would come to pass just went up in smoke. Because tonight was an unforgivable example of how the showrunners continually pander to the demands of the fandoms. Black Canary is an essential part of the Green Arrow mythos. Pick up any GA comic, chances are you’ll find her in it. She is portrayed as a strong, confident and independent woman who can more than take care of herself in any situation. The showrunners’ excuse for her death was that they feel the show needs to evolve, that they don’t want to hold themselves down to the mythos. But the irony is that, by repeating the “Lance loses a daughter” storyline again, they are already devolving. How many times do we need to see Lance lose a daughter? It’s just absolutely bonkers for a character to lose his two daughters three times. Is this something we really need to rehash? As for the second argument, my answer is that just because you can change something doesn’t mean you should. When you change something too much, you risk losing the essence of the mythos itself. For example, this season seems to be more about a man in a green hoodie with inconsistent fighting skills that makes almost every decision based on the opinion of a woman who seems to get way too emotional about things she really has no right to be emotional over. It is not in my opinion, a show that I can see and say, “Oh, this is the Green Arrow.” Because there’s no more Roy, no more Deathstroke, and now no more Black Canary. This is the equivalent of a Batman show without Alfred, a Superman show without Lois Lane, a Spider-Man show without Aunt May. There have been far too many liberties taken with the source material that seem only to aim to shock and to generate controversy.

Alright, so let’s say you disagree with me and side with the showrunners and their writing. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion after all, so fair enough.  But the way they handled Laurel’s death was just in bad taste. She died of a single arrow. Think of the times that so many characters have been impaled with arrows in this series and lived.  Oliver Queen survived a fall from a cliff, impaled with a sword, in the freezing cold with barely a scratch. Okay, so let’s just say that she was hit in a really vital spot and there was no magic tea nearby. She is rushed to the hospital. And right before she dies, her very last words are to subtly encourage Oliver to pursue Felicity, as she relegates herself to a hopeless romantic that knows the man she loves will never love her back. Then after whispering some really cryptic message, there is some awkward editing and all of a sudden she’s convulsing and Oliver is looking stunned, and then she dies abruptly. Her father didn’t even get to say goodbye. Good acting from all involved especially Cassidy, but my God what a horrible script. The fact that her last words are a ship for Olicity shows that, as many fans have pointed out, how much the showrunners want to force Olicity to the point where even the characters have to state their approval for the relationship.

Poor Cassidy, you have to really feel for her. Initally, she signed on to be the female lead but failed to hit her stride and was met with negative reception. However, fan-favourite Caity Lotz found her place (rightfully so given her suitability for the role) as the Canary and Laurel was relegated to the sidelines. Then Lotz was killed off and fans were enraged at Laurel. Laurel only began to hit her stride towards the end of season 3 as she slowly adjusted to the role she was promised as the Black Canary. There was so much that they could have done to take the character in new paths. But she took a supporting role to all the increasingly contrived relationship drama that has just dragged Arrow down and down week after week. She put in her all and yet her character was never truly done justice. Hell, even Felicity, an IT girl, has two arch-villains – the crazy bee lady and her father. Who’s Laurel’s arch-villain? Random thug #125?

You might then say – Oh, if you hate the show so much then just stop watching it. The thing is – I started this show in Season 2. I was amazed at how the writers could make Green Arrow grounded and realistic, and how the show hit the perfect balance in action, plot, and delightful chemistry between Oliver and Felicity in small doses that made this show a must-watch every week. My expectations were met almost weekly, and whatever minor hiccups the show had could be ignored. I became invested in the cast who all seemed like generally decent people who enjoy what they do on the show and want what’s best for it. So that’s why I really want this show to get back to those glory days, because I have seen what this show can be when the writing is tight and the story flows naturally. So here are three general changes that I propose in order to try and get Arrow to hit the mark again.

1)      Fight scenes. The choreography for the fights have been dipping in quality after season 2. There is a tendency to use shaky cam to make it seem like there’s a lot of movement and energy going on in a fight when really there isn’t at times. Fights also have way too many characters to allow individuals to stand out, and should last slightly longer. Oliver himself has been nerfed really hard but yet strangely inconsistently, getting his ass whooped by random thugs but still totally owning Malcolm, which makes no sense. Oliver should be in his prime now – and considering how much of a badass he was in Season 1 and 2 where he could solo entire groups, he definitely shouldn’t be having trouble with average joes like Cupid and Lady Cop. Also, a show named Arrow needs to remember to show us actual archery more often. Try to incorporate it into the fight scenes more, because there are times where the bow seems more of an accessory than an actual tool. The scenes are overall by no means poor – but after the likes of Daredevil and other superhero shows, the bar has been raised, and Arrow has to provide the action it rightfully should in a superhero show.

2)      Olicity. I personally think that it’s funny how if you go back to comments on episodes in Season 1 and 2, everyone was rooting for this to happen. The two actors share chemistry, no doubt – but the problem is that Felicity is now written to overreact simply to create drama for the sake of it, such in the case of Oliver’s son. She was told why Oliver had to keep it a secret when he didn’t want to, claims to understand his situation, was apologized to multiple times by Oliver and still doesn’t accept it, defying all logic. There is a difference between being a strong woman and an unreasonable one. A strong woman would have tried to understand the situation fully and realize that Oliver only had (or at least thought) that he had her best interests at heart, and tried to move on from there because after all, everyone makes mistakes and there was certainly no malicious intent from Oliver to leave her out on purpose. But because they want to create drama in this relationship, Felicity cannot accept it. I’m personally okay with Olicity being a thing, but it definitely should not be shoved down our throats week after week. Have them get together if you want, let them bounce their chemistry off one another – but for the love of God remember that a superhero show should not turn into a soap. If you want a soap, go watch a soap – or petition the showrunners to rename the show into Olicity.

3)      Plot. The showrunners actually have some pretty good ideas, but in recent seasons things tend not to be as focused as they could be. Think of the all time favourite season 2. Slade Wilson plans his revenge against Oliver Queen, and it grows into a deeply compelling and engaging battle between the two. Simple. These days, Arrow has somewhat changed. It seems to be building up to these huge twists, these huge moments – but that’s all they seem content to achieve. There seems to be a lack of consideration as to whether said twists are necessary or would even be enjoyable for the audience. For example, the showrunners claimed that they anticipated the overwhelmingly negative response that the viewers would have to Laurel’s death. Shouldn’t that in itself have set off some alarms in their heads, making them question if it was really such a good idea?

Yeah, so these are my thoughts on Arrow as a whole. Hopefully, the showrunners can get back on track delivering a superhero show first and a relationship drama a distant second. Then, and only then can Arrow hit its mark among quality television again.

Man Of Steel Review

A hard-hitting reboot that draws heavy inspiration from Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight Trilogy, but for all its over the top action ironically lacks the one important thing associated with the character - heart.

 

Man, who takes these pictures? Did Superman get someone up here with him and say, "Alright, make sure you get me with my cape billowing in the wind and with a really serene expression on my face."

Man Of Steel has been out for the weekend and if you haven't seen it...it's your loss. There is so much to love about this movie. However, we live in a world where nothing is perfect, and Man Of Steel does falter in some aspects such as dialogue. Mild spoilers lie ahead but real spoilers will be hidden, so relax.

What Worked:

Up, up and away!!

The casting. Henry Cavill may be the best Metropolis Marvel yet. His defined cheekbones and muscular physique are more than enough to convince us that he is the right guy for the role. He really brings his A-game here, expressing a range of emotions that help to portray a man that is struggling to find his place in an alien world. Another favourite would be Russell Crowe as Jor-El, Kal-El's father. His somber yet at (rare) times fierce performance really is something. Michael Shannon as General Zod, Diane Lane as Martha Kent and Kevin Costner as Jonathan Kent are also worthy of mention, each bringing something unforgettable to the table, be it psychotic rage or tender care.

The flashbacks. A lot of the movie depicts Clark's journey from a boy to a man, constantly struggling to accept and deal with who he is.

"Oh cheer up son, I meant whiny twat in a good way."

My favorite among these scenes is when he is in the classroom as a child, and suddenly discovers that he has these extraordinary abilities and is subsequently overwhelmed and disoriented by the sudden onslaught of noise. Another would be would be how he takes the drink being poured all over his face after he defends his girlfriend and demonstrates incredible self-control and restraint, but still proves his humanity by totaling the guy's ride. They help to convince us that Clark is human and give more payoff to the story.


The Action:

"I can do this all day!!"

The action in this movie is amazing. Superman's powers (except frost breath, but that may be a good thing as it leaves him room to evolve in the sequel) are all a visual treat. Heat vision in particular is just awesome. You can really feel the intensity and pure power when he uses it. Kryptonian combat is a joy to watch, as since they all possess super speed and strength, there is some real impact and weight during the fight scenes. Oh and the scene bellow -

If your inner child didn't scream in delight when watching this, you are most likely dead inside. Or a girl.

Pure epicness. Easily my favourite scene in the movie. The other would be when Clark saves his mother from Zod by tackling him and and pounding the living crap out of him.Steak sauce.

What Didn't Work:

The dialogue. There is very little humour or wit in this movie, and that makes it a little dry sometimes.It definitely doesn't have to be over the top, but they shouldn't take Supes so seriously. The dialogue is all very expository at times and doesn't feel very human or natural (and not in the good way).

The romance. I understand why Clark would fall for Lois since she's the only one that really gets him as Superman and Clark Kent, and Lois would like Clark because Henry Cavill. But given the short amount of time they had together on screen and the relatively unemotional conversations that they shared, it seems way too quick to introduce the romance.

"...so the "S" stands for hope huh?"

The deaths. Jonathan Kent's death is just stupid. Instead of a clean, simple heart attack like in the comics, which really drove home the fact that for all of Superman's gifts, he can't stop everything, Jonathan ordering Clark not to save him is just unreasonable. Does he not care how this would impact them? I didn't mind Jor-El being killed by Zod but I hated the fact that he overpowered Zod only to die because he stupidly let his guard down for no good reason. He should have at least incapacitated Zod first.

The action is overkill. I'm all for action in an action movie but there is so much and with so little non-action scenes in between to give us a break towards the end, it loses its impact and becomes a little too over the top for my taste.

What's the lowdown?: Man Of Steel is by no means bad, but there was so much potential that I find myself disappointed. Zack Synder clearly has a lot of good ideas (which is probably why the trailers seemed to promise us a complete candy-land) but the un-natural dialogue and over the top action prevents this movie from being all it could have been. 8/10.

What's Next?:

Isn't it sad that none of these characters have ever seen the big screen? I mean...oh wait I remember now...damn that explains why DC is afraid to get off the Bats and Supes train.

A Justice League movie is inevitable, but the lack of a post-credit scene makes me wonder when and how will they start properly creating some REAL connections to allude to it (Corporate logos aren't enough, I want Batman to get his ass down and clap his hands menacingly). The New 52 Justice League story "Origins" seemed like what we could expect from a JL movie but if it is to happen, DC need to get their act together.

Man Of Steel 2 could and should consider Metallo, Lex Luthor or Brainac in my opinion. But there needs to be something that can give this god-like being a real challenge or it will feel meaningless.

Iron Man 3 Review

 “As he fights his way back, Stark discovers the answer to the question that has secretly haunted him: does the man make the suit or does the suit make the man?” – Movie solicitation, Walt Disney Pictures

Let's get one thing out of the way. This movie was better than Iron Man 2. It is on par with Iron Man. It is really something that you can't miss. Alright, here we go.

After the events of The Avengers, Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is left suffering from feelings of insecurity and anxiety as a result of the startling events that he has witnessed. He has therefore amassed a huge number of armors during the period between the events of the two movies (he's on Mark 42 now) and repeatedly emphasizes the importance of Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) in his life. 

Unlike the previous disaster that was Iron Man 2, Iron Man 3 doesn't attempt to up the stakes with shoddy attempts at alcoholism. Instead, Director Shane Black decides to focus on the ramifications of Captain America's question to Tony Stark in The Avengers; "Take that (the suit) away, what are you?" Thus, in case the trailers and TV spots did not make it clear enough for you, there is a lot of focus on Stark starting with practically nothing and having to use his genius to spend limited resources well, which makes for an extremely interesting plot. The director wisely keeps Stark out of the suit for just enough time to make those moments when he actually IS Iron Man more worthy of the buzz. Going any further would encroach on the forbidden spoiler territory, so let's move on. Just know that the script for this movie deviates significantly from your typical run-of-the-mill superhero flick.

The acting for this movie for the most part, is top notch. I get the feeling that Downey Jr. is somewhat more relaxed and is having more fun than usual in his role as Stark. He quips and quivers in equal measure and successfully displays a wide range of emotions. Ben Kingsley's performance as The Mandarin is also commendable, although die-hard Marvel fans may disagree. The rest of the cast pulled off their roles as well, so no qualms in the fields of casting.

The action in this movie is great. I think everyone will have this image in their heads upon hearing "action".

That sound you just heard was your inner child screaming in ecstasy

Yes, this scene was as good as I had expected it to be given the budget restraints, but it was still really entertaining. The times when Stark is out of his armor and given his own fighting scenes and has to solely rely on his wits are also surprisingly engaging.

There are just a few nitpicks that I have with the movie. Firstly, there are definitely some pacing problems with some scenes given too much time and the ending being way too neat and convenient which made it feel rushed. Also, I'm not a fan with this over comical presentation of the Iron Patriot and the Mandarin. The question of where are the rest of the Avengers and SHIELD during Tony's crisis is also never answered. Even the after credits scene felt a little underwhelming given the after credits scenes of The Avengers and Captain America.

At the end of the day though, Iron Man 3 is a slightly rushed but still wholly entertaining action flick that raises the bar for future Marvel projects. 

8/10

SNSD - I Got A Boy MV + Song Review

Oh boy oh boy...there is so much crap to cover with SNSD's first Korean comeback in over a year. Let me start by talking about the MV. On the positive side, the girls all look pretty good. I'm nuts for Yulsic, and they looked really cute so that was nice. 

CANT TAKE IT

im the teddy bear

The rest even Hyoyeon look ok as well. But Sunny...oh dear lord. Did you piss off some stylist into giving you blue hair on top of that ridiculous purple hair? You used to be so full of aegyo, but now i just feel really annoyed. 

Just no...

Some have mentioned that the outfits are too colorful, and that is generally true in this case. So so far so good right? A decent MV for a top girl group. So all we need is a solid title track to really drive it home and we can all celebrate SNSD's comeback. So how was the title track? In short...

weeeeeeee

Its horribly disjointed and incredibly unnatural on the first listen. A few more didn't really help as well. I'll say what i liked about the 5songs in 1 fiasco title track and talk about what I didn't in the next paragraph. The individual parts all show real potential, especially the "I got a boy handsome boy" chorus. That's why i was really hoping this was a medley instead of a title track and someone at SM made a horrible mistake. I really don't understand why they didn't just pick one of the distinct melodies and make a kick-ass title song. This is just really messy and disorganized much like my room. A lot of people are whining about the rapping, but I honestly thought it was okay, really enjoyed Yoona's part and I don't even like her that much. It was really catchy and enjoyable IMO.

Listen SM. You tested SONE's patience with The Boys. Now you are clearly just trying to see how much bullshit we'll endure just because its SNSD. That's the only logical reason I can come up with for this train wreck. I don't believe for one second that no one didn't get chills from listening to this. Maybe he/she/they brought it up and was/were thrown into the SM dungeon of the Forgotten along with TRAX and f(x). Alternatively, someone at a boring brainstorming session bet another that SONEs would accept this highlight medley and endlessly defend it as a title track. If that was the case, that guy must be laughing his way to the bank now.

This is just lazy. I've read some comments about it being "innovative" and "revolutionary". Bullshit. If being unnerving and disjointed is apparently being "innovative" and "revolutionary", then I will say without any shame that I rather go back to the Genie days. For example, the English adlibs are shameless thinly disguised veils to conceal the lack of flow between the varying tempos. The flow in this song is about as comfortable as having a man dig his ear with his finger, lick it and rub it all over his sweaty body before inserting his unholy finger into your ear. Speaking of which, just because you know English doesn't mean that you should overuse it to this extent. I don't know why you do so anyway, because the punchline in this joke of a song would be that they hope to promote in the US with it.

I'm a SONE. But I won't bend to fan opinion and accept this smoldering wreckage. I want to like it, I really do. I was extremely excited with the teasers. But as much as I was underwhelmed with The Boys, it never came close to anything this has made me feel. At least that song had structure and form. IGAB may grow on me eventually, but while I have disliked previous songs for minor flaws such as repetitive and slightly dull choruses e.g. "MAMA", this song's flaws are just too unsettling to forgive.

Austin Tan – Embarassing JC students while being a total douche

*DISCLAIMER – The following material is personal opinion and is written as a joke. No harm is meant to anybody.

 

So I saw this FB post by Austin Tan, a student from a prominent JC.

 

I have to say, this guy is a really arrogant douche. So I’ve decided to take some time and poke fun at his inflated ego. Before I begin, I’d like to say that Iam also a JC student, but I respect ITE students tremendously and some of them remain my good friends to this day. Right, so let’s talk shitiness.

 

“What now?” – Woah dude calm down, no one’s yelling at you for being incredibly stupid and flat-out wrong. Yet.

 

“ITE are for losers…” – So much to say about this claim. Firstly, good to see that the “prominent” JC you’re from places so much importance on proper English. *is, as in “This guy is an extra large douche with a coke and some fries”. Secondly, on a more serious note, ITE isn’t a place for losers, as much as his microscopic brain might fantasise. There are good and unique opportunities available for ITE students, courtesy of our government, such as not being a professional loser on the Internet that no one gives two shits about and probably has no social life.

 

“Oh please” – good to see that this guy is fantabulous, as hes engliush well hav u bveieve.

 

“you’re a frog in a well katelynn” – What’s a “Well katelynn”? Why does being inside it make you a frog?

 

“I know what Macdonalds is like” – no shit buddy, so does everyone who walks 5 miles in I don’t know, any part of Singapore. Speaking of which, what’s with the hate on people working at Macdonalds? I have friends who worked at Macdonalds and they do so just to earn some quick cash, you inconsiderate, pompous arse.

 

“and not being racist but…” – This is a rather interesting epic fail as his next insult, while being completely retarded, had absolutely nothing to do about being racist, but rather had everything to do with being a complete dimwit.

 

“and seriously, the handwriting is no different than a kindergartens” – but the engrish is probrry batter.

 

“…my A level standards I don’t think you would want to work in macdonalds either” – I’m trembling at both your incredible proficiency in English and your absolute wealth of general knowledge, both of which are apparently some new benchmarks set by SEAB for H3 Bullshit.

 

“That is not English then.” – The comedy writes itself, hypocrite. If you want to insult someone’s language, check your own.

 

“for those who knew me” – 1) sounds like how a rapist would describe his past victims at a hearing.

 

“So for what reason do I have to study extra?” – It feels mean to bring back the English argument again.

 

“out of my league” –First of all, I agree that the girl you harass daily is indeed hopelessly beyond your reach. However, back to seriousland, this is the part I took the most offence with. Are you really that arrogant, that proud that you imagine yourself above ITE students? Straight off the bat, I can think of at least 3 things they have that you don’t. They are mostly nice people, they don’t make stupid remarks on the internet, and they don’t declare their wrongness so prominently, like it’s a gold medal to be displayed.

 

Let me just end off by saying that I’m not personally attacking him, but rather just mocking his opinion out of some frustration I feel as a JC student. To all ITE students reading this, please don’t judge us based on him. I personally believe that people like this bring nothing but absolute disgrace. Speaking of which, oh hi Steven Lim!!

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES SCRIPT REIMAGINED

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES SCRIPT (as imagined by rukiahayashi)

 

FADE IN:

 

EXT. AIRPLANE

 

DC COMICS’ crappy new logo is seen before showing a cracked bat sign that foreshadows the tragic events about to take place until HOODED TOM HARDY and nuclear scientist ALON ABOUTBOUL are taken onboard AGENT AIDAN GILLEN’S PLANE.

 

AIDAN GILLEN:

Since we are the CIA, the premiere intelligence organisation in the entire world, we are letting all of you keep your hoods on for no real reason other than for the dramatic reveal! No need to confirm your identities just yet, screw proper procedure!

 

(proceeds to threaten random henchman while asking about TOM HARDY, which any reasonably intelligent douche can guess is in the plane and is one of the hooded men)

 

TOM HARDY:

(remastered version)

Time to say somethinsf in my trademark voice to draw attention to myselsf!

 

AIDAN GILLEN:

(removes hood such that full dramatic effect is achieved)

Holy crap it’s TOM HARDY! Big unexpected surprise right here! Now instead of killing him right now with god forbid, a gun, I’m going to go all tough guy on him while he executes his perfectly believable plan that obeys the laws of physics to a T!

 

(TOM’s mercenaries appear and start killing the CIA agents, who all seem to have temporarily forgot how guns work.)

 

ALON ABOUTBOUL:

The laws of physics aside, you honestly believe that no one would ever suspect anything from this unnecessarily elaborate plan that only exists to show the wings of planes are really fragile?

 

TOM HARDY:

Of coursrh! Even with say, proper forensic evidence and aeronautical analysis, this incident is obviously a freak accident!

 

TOM absconds with ALON and dangles from a rope that is attached to a plane.

 

CUT TO GOTHAM CITY, BALE MANOR

 

EVERYONE is listening to a speech at a recluse’s manor.

 

DIALOGUE about the DENT ACT, informing everyone just how screwed they are if they didn’t watch the first two movies.

 

GARY OLDMAN:

I had a speech prepared to talk about Aaron Eckhart, but then I realized it would be the film's third podium speech in less than nine minutes.

 

(tucking speech into pocket)

 

I refuse to read this speech right now. Christopher Nolan is just going to have to figure out some other way of delivering eight years of exposition.

MICHAEL CAINE:

ANNE HATHAWAY, I could bring BALE his meal myself, but truth is I’m too damn lazy and since you seem completely trustworthy, here’s the key to a room upstairs in a house that is most certainly not home to the notorious BATMAN.

 

ANNE steals pearls from an uncrackable safe.

 

CHRISTIAN BALE:

Damn, those were my mother’s! Knew I should’ve hidden those somewhere else other than the most obvious place anyone would look for valuables!

 

ANNE HATHAWAY:

Why are you holding a cane? Is it because of that fall you took the last movie tackling Aaron Eckhart? Okay then, so it’s established that you are a cripple who can’t walk without the help of a cane. Fair enough, I’ll just leave you squirming pathetically on the ground.

 

(trips BALE, who squirms pathetically on the ground.)

 

Time for a backflip without checking where I’m going to land! Luck is always on my side, as it will be for about 3 more times throughout the movie!

CUT TO SEWERS

 

GARY OLDMAN is captured by thugs and taken to TOM HARDY.

 

GARY OLDMAN: Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?

 

TOM HARDY: That is irrelevant. Maybe it’s to show off my imposing frame! Search him for any important stuff he could be carrying!

 

HENCHMAN: (after finding speech that GARY OLDMAN carries everyway like it’s his ID or something.) Sir, why don’t we just shoot him and get it over with? Leaving him like this presents him with a chance to escape via that conveniently placed sewer flow!

 

TOM HARDY: I donsh know. He just can’t die because he’s GARY OLDMAN. In fact, no main character will die in this epic conclusion despite all the hype in this movie alluding to that taking place!

 

GARY OLDMAN escapes via sewer flow, bullets aimed at him hit everything except him.

 

HENCHMAN: We can’t possibly find him! The water flow could go anywhere!

 

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT finds GARY OLDMAN in the very next shot.

 

INT BALE MANOR

 

CHRISTIAN BALE(after hearing obscure Killer Croc reference): How on earth do you know I’m BATMAN?

 

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT: All right dude, like most of this movie, this crucial plot point was thought out of with extreme care. I looked in your eyes a long time ago and could tell you were BATMAN. Not because you’re rich and came back conveniently when BATMAN first appeared.

 

CHRISTIAN BALE: Wow, with that concrete proof I’m not even going to deny it. Anyway, I’m going to foreshadow what most fanboys probably guessed about your character months ago.

(looks directly at JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT)

BATMAN can be anyone. Anyone.

 

 

CUT TO CHRISTIAN BALE IN BATCAVE.

 

CHRISTIAN BALE: This leg-brace gives me a kick that pulverises bricks! Awesome! It’s also clearly compact enough to fit inside the Batsuit! So it’s established that I need this to walk properly, just so the audience is clear, wouldn’t want any potential plotholes to surface! Also, it would be a crying shame if this device was never used at all and was shown for absolutely no good reason!

 

Shot of MICHAEL CAINE gazing uneasily at the damaged brick wall, fearing CHRISTIAN BALE’s superhuman power.

 

INT BALE INDUSTRIES

 

MORGAN FREEMAN: Let me show you some stuff anyway, for old times’ sake. Since MICHAEL CAINE doesn’t want you to be BATMAN, I will defy him to the very end since…ah screw it here we are. It’s the Bat, your new toy! Speaking of which, you sure you don’t want a Tumbler? Seems weird to only favour the Batpod which logically speaking, is somewhat inferior to an armoured military vehicle. It’s also equally weird that we have so many Tumblers lying around for no good reason at all!

 

CHRISTIAN BALE: It comes in black, good enough for me.

 

INT WALL STREET

 

 

TOM HARDY: Transfher all of CHRISTIAN BALE’s money to this thingy. It will take 8 minutes, which I mention only to create a huge continuity problem when we transhituon from day to night in that phan of thime. Also, these transfers will arouse no suspicions whatsoever. CHRISTIAN BALE making terrible stock choices while I assault Wall Street. What are the odds?

 

TOM HARDY and goons escape on motorcycles and it immediately becomes dark in the next scene. Because BATMAN works in darkness, and it simply must happen. We were too lazy to shoot them escaping from Wall Street in the late evening, budget cuts people!

 

(lights start to fade out in an ominous manner.)

 

COP #1: What on earth?

COP #2: NANANANANA BATMAN is back! Finally it’s been 45 minutes, I nearly forgot it was a BATMAN movie!(insert reference to The Dark Knight Returns.)

 

BATMAN tackles HENCHMAN and smothers him in cape. He then uses an EMP gun to damage another henchman’s bike because we all know how BATMAN feels about real, efficient and uncomplicated guns.

 

BATMAN passes BANE on bike, not even bothering to assault or stop him in any way. BATMAN saves bank guy using complicated manuever.

 

MATTHEW MODINE: Let’s all go after BATMAN. We won’t spare even one policeman out of the one million we have because damnit, TOM HARDY on an ordinary, unarmed bike is just too hard to catch.

 

Entire force chases after BATMAN, who enters an alley which conveniently holds the BAT which everyone in GOTHAM failed to notice. GCPD doesn’t want to spare helicopters, BATMAN escapes.

 

EXT ROOFTOP

 

ANNE HATHAWAY confronted by group of thugs.

 

ANNE HATHAWAY: Why don’t I have any weapons damnit! Any criminal i.e. ME would have a weapon, probably a gun!

 

BATMAN(appears out of nowhere): AIKGFOAFBGBHOCKEYPADS

 

They fight until TOM HARDY arrives. Once again, all bullets are fired at them with the precise skill of Stormtroopers from Star Wars.

 

BATMAN: Quick, let’s get out of here!

ANNE HATHAWAY: My mother warned me about getting into cars with strange men.

 

BATMAN: This isn’t a car, dumbass.

 

ANNE HATHAWAY: Wait, this vehicle has firepower right? Blow TOM HARDY away now! It’s a golden opportunity!

 

BATMAN: Nah, not feeling it. BATMAN doesn’t kill. Let’s just run away even though we have air superiority and better firepower, as long as they don’t bring out a bazooka or anything like that. And let’s face it, they won’t.

 

CUT TO HIGHER ROOFTOP

 

BATMAN: You stole CHRISTIAN BALE’s fingerprints. I’m extremely concerned, but nothing suspicious there.

 

ANNE HATHAWAY: The guy who reappeared at the same time you did, and went into hiding the same time you did? Yeah, tell me about it, nothing suspicious there.

 

CHRISTIAN BALE at BALE MANOR

 

CHRISTIAN BALE: Damn, MICHAEL CAINE is gone and so is my money. Clearly I need to continue being BATMAN. Also, it may be too early to say this but my unnecessary interference at the stock exchange might have allowed TOM HARDY to escape.

 

MARION COTILLARD: Time for some unforced and believable romance! You lived in recluse for 8 years thinking about Maggie Holmes, but within 2 minutes that will all change!

 

BATMAN meets ANNE HATHAWAY in sewers.

 

BATMAN: Alright, straight to the point, take me to TOM HARDY, even though his henchmen are probably everywhere and he has home ground advantage. Then again, you’re on my side, so we can take him!

 

ANNE HATHAWAY: Right…

 

They fight their way through thugs with guns. Suddenly, a trapdoor closes and BATMAN is trapped, facing TOM HARDY!

 

ANNE HATHAWAY: Oh my gosh, CHRISTIAN BALE is BATMAN? Did not see that one coming.

 

BATMAN: This will be a clash between two graduates of the world’s most lethal ninja organisation. This battle will involve tactical skills and precision fighting techniques. (grunts and flails about)

TOM HARDY is owning BATMAN. BATMAN throws tiny flashbangs at TOM HARDY, which explode harmlessly into tiny puffs of smoke around TOM HARDY.

 

TOM HARDY: What on earth dude? Of all the things you could use you choose that. Speaking of which, you’re supposed to use gadgets and shit, you’re BATMAN! Taking me head-on is clearly suicide! Also, I too am on some kind of steroids that allow me to feel no pain, cause I just took like 5 punches to the face in a row and didn’t even retaliate!

 

BATMAN:IMNOTLISTENINGBAIFHAOFQJFHOCKEYPADS

 

TOM HARDY beats the crap out of BATMAN and does the epic back-break from Knightfall. Cue gasps of shock.

 

HOSPITAL

 

GARY OLDMAN: Send every cop into the sewers! It is this kind of analytical thinking that made me Commissioner!

 

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT: Good idea, sir.

 

FUSION REACTOR

 

ALON ABOUTBOUL: Sure, HARDY let me turn this source of clean energy into a nuclear bomb! Three minutes?

 

TOM HARDY destroys GOTHAM’s bridges and traps the entire police force underground.

 

TOM HARDY: Citizens of GOTHAM, claim your city, rise up against the rich..and that kind of stuff!

 

All of GOTHAM’S CITIZENS lose their minds instantly and go ape-shit-crazy on each other. In HOSPITAL, GARY OLDMAN single-handedly takes down two thugs armed with assault weapons with a pistol before rendezvous with JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT.

 

TOM HARDY reads a speech written by GARY OLDMAN, everyone believes him. Releases prisoners from BLACKGATE.

 

INT PRISON A.K.A FIGURATIVE LAZARUS PIT

 

CHRISTIAN BALE:  Where am I? Why am I still alive? Ah screw it, time to recover and become BATMAN again, like the first movie and first half of this movie. Gosh, this film should’ve been called The-Dark-Knight-barely-appears-onscreen.

 

Climbs out of pit once he stops wearing a rope. Because if he didn’t make the climb, no movie.

GARY OLDMAN: (walking on ice with PEOPLE after being sentenced by CILLIAN MURPHY. Sees BATMAN calmly walking on ice without fear, because he’s BATMAN.) Phew, thank the heavens, BATMAN’s back! Wait what? (Lights up conveniently placed flare, which went unnoticed by patrolling thugs and anyone else.) Oh-kay, it’s a giant flaming bat. Now TOM HARDY knows you are back. Stealth at it’s finest.

 

BATMAN: Come on, it took me three hours and was of the utmost importance. Plus, somehow no one saw me up there and I crossed the ice without any fear because I’m BATMAN. ANNE, I’m going to trust you with my Batpod because you’re the lead female character and you’re supposed to be somewhat of a hero like in the comics.

GARY, you’re the oldest, it makes sense for you to take on the most physically challenging task. JOSEPH, free all the cops and let them stand in a uniform row like lambs to the slaughter. Don’t worry, I’ll take out exactly one weapon on one Tumbler. Just one. You’re welcome.

 

The BAT takes out one tumbler’s cannon.

 

COPS: Alright, thanks BATMAN, that gave us the motivation to fight a losing battle!

 

THUGS: Oh crap shit just got real. Everybody, hand-to-hand combat only!

 

TOM HARDY: So, you came back to die with your city.

 

BATMAN: No, I came back to stop you! (Immediately engages TOM HARDY)

 

TOM HARDY: Seriously that was our entire conversation? No wonder people prefer the Jok…

 

BATMAN: Don’t say his name! Yeah. Watch out, I’ve learnt much from our previous encounter. (Attempts the same half-assed head-on combat as last time.)

I won’t even use those knockout agents that seemed really effective!

 

People around them ignore their epic clash, no one thinks to use a gun to shoot either of them.

 

BATMAN: Have a taste of my almighty gauntlets that saved me in the last two movies! (damages TOM HARDY’s mask)

 

TOM HARDY: Oh crap you found my one, subtle weakness!

 

BATMAN: WHERESTHETRIGGERRRR!WHEREISITWHEREISIT! (beats the crap out of HARDY)

 

Out of nowhere, MARION COTILLARD stabs BATMAN.

 

BATMAN: Did not see that one coming. Trusting the wrong person has again led to my downfall!

 

MARION COTILLARD: Surprise! I’m Liam Neeson’s daughter, the big shocking moment of this film! I’m now going to personally drive the truck carrying the bomb to destroy GOTHAM! (exits)

 

TOM HARDY: Alright buddy, I’m not going to snap your neck, but go against my own character by using a shotgun of all things.

 

ANNE HATHAWAY shows up and blows TOM HARDY into meat, because that is what will realistically happen.

 

MARION takes the truck for a spin while GARY stumbles like an incompetent fool trying to disarm it. ANNE HATHAWAY destroys two Tumblers with ease, and never do they form a Batpod for some reason, because that’s BATMAN’s thing. The truck sustains an ungodly amount of damage before crashing.

 

MARION COTILLARD: This doesn’t count as BATMAN killing someone, certainly not my driver!

 

GARY OLDMAN: I’m perfectly fine guys, appreciate you guys firing directly at me.

 

BATMAN: I can fly it out of the city in what must be the most original solution to a crisis in a movie ever!

 

BATMAN flies away, clearly sacrificing himself in a noble fashion and you know he dies because he is still in the cockpit moments before the bomb blows.

 

JOSEPH attempts to collect his items willed to him by BALE, since the two are such great friends publicly and all.

 

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT: John, Blake.

 

RECEPTIONIST: Nothing.

 

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT: Use my legal name.

 

(What could it be? Surely something like Tim Drake, Dick Grayson, Terry Mcginnis, Jason Todd?)

 

RECEPTIONIST: I like that name. Robin.

 

AUDIENCE is mindblown.

 

MICHAEL CAINE in café at Florence. Looks across, sees CHRISTIAN BALE and nods. CHRISTIAN BALE comes over in a rage.

 

CHRISTIAN BALE: Not even a “sorry”? You ran out on me in my time of need!

 

MICHAEL CAINE: My bad…Well even though I cried a river at your funeral I somehow lack all emotional attachment now.

 

CUT TO BATCAVE

PLATFORM RISES, REVEALING A COSTUME CASE, WHICH OPENS TO SHOW JOSEPH…

The Original Robin Uniform, with a note “H&K’s, BALE”

 

END

 

The Dark Knight Rises Review

The review you deserve, but not the one you need.

Don’t worry, no spoilers.

“If you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal and if they can't stop you, you become something else entirely – a legend, Mister Wayne.” It is finally here after 4 agonising years of waiting. The Dark Knight Rises, and returns for the final hooray in the epic Nolan Saga. Question: Does  the opening quote a few lines ago ring any bells in your head? If not, rewatch both Batman Begins and The Dark Knight before Rises. I’m serious – the events of Rises are tightly linked to its predecessors, and watching the first two will provide you with the necessary backstory to fully appreciate the thrilling conclusion to The Dark Knight Legend.

8 years after the events of The Dark Knight, Gotham is now in a state of unprecendented peace after The Dent Act. The forementioned act essentially allowed the police to put criminals behind bars and keep the streets clean. Batman is now in exile having taken the fall for Dent’s crimes. However, Comissioner Gordon is tormented by the knowledge that the current peace in Gotham is the result of a lie which painted Batman as a villain and Dent as a hero. However, all of this is about to change with the arrival of Bane, who threatens to do what the Joker failed to do – destroy Gotham for good.

While Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman and Gary Oldman as Commissioner Gordon reprise their previous roles, Anne Hathaway, Tom Hardy and Marion Cotillard are the new entrants playing Selina Kyle, Bane and Miranda Tate respectively.

Now that all the boring stuff’s out of the way, let’s begin.

One of the problems I had going into the film is that I had ridiculously high expectations of it. I watched the trailers, devoured the viral material and never missed a single TV spot. I believe my emotions after watching Rises were similar to other fanboys – it was really good, the ending was powerful and the action was engaging. However, upon further reflection, I started to get a little nitpicky. I realised tiny plot holes and other gripes that I never really had with The Dark Knight or Batman Begins. You see, Christopher Nolan is to some extent, a victim of his own talent. Begins was good, Dark Knight was better and the logical assumption is that Rises will be the best. Nolan understood that if a sequel to Dark Knight was made it would have to be better than its predecessor. Thus he pushes the boundaries, bringing Rises to a level previously unseen, pushing the boundaries of any superhero movie that can still be considered “Real”. Many new characters are introduced and mysterious motives established. However, that’s when a problem starts – it becomes muddling and too tightly packed.  I believe that Rises was intended to be 3 and a half hours long because some of the character development and screen time was unsatisfactory, namely for John Blake and Alfred respectively. Also, Batman himself does not really feature as much as you’d expect him to. He takes a good 40 minutes to even appear. Instead, we are treated to more of Bruce Wayne, and Nolan does a good job here in exploring the emotional and mental aspects of the character. We see a rugged man clearly suffering the reprecussions of his actions, a man struggling to “rise” and bring himself together after all he’s been through. He’s clearly no longer in his prime and in a rather fragile state and for this very reason, my favourite character is Alfred, because his dialogues with Wayne were one of my personal highlights of the movie. Alfred’s conversations with Wayne are just chock-full of emotion and love, and we see how much he truly cares for Wayne. However, Alfred’s role is rather diminished in Rises, which is rather disappointing as I’d have liked to see more of the character.

Another problem is in the plot itself. As you may have sensed in the previous paragraph, it’s flimsy at best when compared to The Dark Knight. It’s good, but not what we’d expect from a mastero like Nolan. I won’t spoil anything, but I’d say that the beginning is murky and slow, and the whole movie felt a little “Hollywood”-like. Feel free to interpret that however you want to. I loved the ending though, mainly because of the powerful emotion generated by Hans Zimmer’s soundtracks. While we’re on Zimmer, I must say I loved his music more than ever here, especially the Deshay Basara track. Full of raw power and feeling, the way it should be.

The action in this movie is rather good though.The fight scenes involving Bane are really brutal and will have you on the edge of your seat. The vehicle fight-sections are also praiseworthy, although not as memorable as the truck-flip from The Dark Knight.

All in all, Rises is a thrilling conclusion to The Dark Knight Legend. There are plot holes and some moments that’d make you go “really?”, but all my gripes are just minor complaints surrounding a very satisfying core in a third installment that’d leave you begging for more.

9/10.